Growing Self Esteem

If you are in a relationship that is part of a very common trend, there is a lot of obvious abuse included. Behaviors that are taken for granted, like your husband’s right to make negative jokes about you to his friends, end up being a constant source of irritation for you. All along the way, you dream of a more endearing way for him to treat you in public, a way that could show more of his love and less of his harsh criticism…

If you tried to forget and ignore those behaviors, you have been using denial. How far can you go with that? not much!

Well, now there is a better way to react than denial, so you can stop feeling scared or pushed into a little corner…, no more! Now you can learn how to turn around a frustrating situation and use it for better purposes. Then, you can learn how to use those easy assertion methods in every aspect of your life: work, family, love.

Assertion is the art of saying what you need or believe in a way that other people can hear you clearly. This ability is essential for effective problem-solving. The alternatives to assertion are submission (letting other’s needs come before yours, which will happen if you accept the “harsh critiques masquerading as jokes treatment” for longer time) and aggression – forcing your needs on another person without their agreement. Both are lose-lose options.

This is the way to assert yourself:

a) get a clear idea of what is irritating you. If he/she is not speaking to you in front of your friends, that is clearly a hostile behavior that needs addressing. What is the behavior that you want, instead of this? Acceptance, care, attention? Be clear on what you want.

Also, be clear and firm on your personal rights as a dignified person; and firmly believe that your rights, needs, and dignity are just as valid and important as anyone else’s, regardless of age, power, role, or gender.

You need to define a change that you need from someone, and/or to set limits with someone who’s behavior is unacceptable or hurtful to you.

b) learn how to assert yourself in a way that is not offensive, but is effective. Also, avoid being passive aggressive!

There is more information about growing your self-esteem, that you can access anytime. Good luck!

Some people are not even aware that they are being intimidated, because they are used to an asymmetrical relationship, while for others suffering intimidation on a regular basis can make their life a constant misery. You might even be the one who is intimidating others, without realizing it!

People who are constantly intimidated go through many negative feelings. In order to be able to deal successfully with intimidation you first have to understand what intimidation really is, because it can come in many disguises.

• Using force to get what you want from others
• Threatening to or using power and control to get others to do what you want
• Getting others to believe they are less powerful than you
• Threatening others with your size or strength to get others to do what you want
• Holding punishments over their head, such as being fired, spanking or divorce
• Being quick tempered, angry or getting into a rage with someone to get them to do what you want
• Behaving in a manner that has others frightened to step up to you
• Using your wealth to get others to do what you want
• Using racial or sexual slurs to diminish others

You soon realize that managing your relationships by intimidation is a kind of emotional abuse of others that leaves your inner circle attached to you by fear, not by love….Is this what you want?

Probably this is the way you learned when growing up, but now it is not the best way to relate…at least you now know that it has a heavy price to pay. Your loved ones will complain that you emotionally abused them, and will be unable to see your good intentions, too much covered by the perceived abusive control.

What if you find yourself being the one who is being intimidated by others? This is also a learned behaviour that you need to challenge in yourself. Why would you want to live your life being intimidated by others? Because your self-esteem is very low, and you have been trained to be acquiesce to others with more power, control or dominance.

There are many steps you can take to stop allowing others to intimidate you. The first step you should take is to get a good look at yourself and determine what is there in your irrational, unhealthy way of thinking has allowed yourself to become intimidated by others. Did your parents tell you that authorities were always right and needed to be respected? Was it your inner fear of confrontation? Or fear of starting a conflict if that was needed to defend your rights?

If you think this might have been the case then you should take steps towards:

• Identify new healthier ways of thinking to help you overcome and respond to the intimidating factors
• Display your new ways of thinking and acting to those who are intimidating you, this will show them that you are no longer willing to be intimidated by them
• Develop ways of dealing with people in case they respond negatively to the new you
• See the consequences of your new assertive behavior
• Stick to your guns and accept whatever the consequences are of your new behavior

The next step to take once you have developed a strategy for dealing with those who intimidate you is to develop ways to reinforce your beliefs in the new, more positive and strong self-image. The easiest way is to use daily affirmations or positive self-talk.

Examples of positive self-talk include:

I am a good person, who is worthy and deserves to be treat with respect.
I will not put anyone in a superhuman position over me.
I will take my life back under my control from any who tries to intimidate me in the future.
I will not allow others to intimidate me.
There is no one out there who can intimidate me.

It pays to put some effort in building up your resistance to intimidation, because it will make your life easier and conflict-free.

Technorati Tags: emotional abuse, relationsiphs, Self Esteem