Growing Self Esteem

Defining Self confidence with words is no simple task, but we recognize it is when we see someone that seems to be unstoppable, irradiating a sense of security, and purpose and most of all, that they seem to know who they are, where they are headed and how to get there.

Have you ever wonder why some people have so much self confidence and others are struggling just to get their name out?

While self confidence comes naturally to some, for others is like a constant battle, where their internal voices will use any opportunity to break their confidence piece by piece until nothing is left.

But, Is it possible to learn to have that level of confidence?

The answer is a clear Yes.

But before we get into the how to, you need to know how your brain works, so you can put it to work to your advantage:

Your brain uses past experiences as the knowledge base to evaluate present situations. Unfortunately because of evolution, your brain gives more weight to bad experiences, as a way to reduce the risk of future pains.

The problem is that your brain does not know when to stop worrying about past experience, and sometimes it goes into a negativity loop.  The more you worry about an issue, the more your brain will reinforce the connections making the past experience more “present” in his effort to avoid pain.

To break this circle here is an exercise that you can put in practice: whenever your brain starts reviving old negative experiences, force yourself to stop, and replace that thought with something positive. Make this a habit, and after a while your will notice how your brain has rebalanced the importance of negative experiences.

The path to build self confidence starts by controlling your own thoughts. These tips will help to drastically reduce your negative thoughts, replacing them with a “can do” attitude.

1. Acknowledge your perceived weakness. Make a list of the issues that your internal voice uses an argument. For example: I’m not educated enough for this job. At this point, do not judge or analyse your feelings. Just write them down.
2. Check this list with people that you trust.  Look for real weakness against perceived weakness. By having an external view, ask them how they see you on each particular item of your list. Open your mind to their comments, and thank them for being open and honest with you.
3. Identify your strengths.  Once you have identified your perceived weakness, those that only exist in your mind, use then to construct positive stories. Start looking for situations to use this skill, and make them opportunities to reaffirm your strengths. Give yourself permission to take pride in them.
4. Work out your weakness. We are not perfect, and there is always room for improvement. Start by exploring to what extent you will need to work on this issue, and make a plan to close this gap. Self growth books are very popular for a reason; a lot of people out there share the same need for improvement. So don’t hive behind shyness, and take action.

How many times you have read and heard of celebrity marriages failing almost left and right. It’s strange that we often see movie and TV stars as flawless people, living a life of riches and glamour. Aiming to emulate such picture perfect images is a sure way to lose your sense of self-esteem. But whatever happens, you should not to lose your own sense of self.
It’s time to stop sticking our heads in the clouds and face reality.

So what does it take to discover and grow your self esteem?

Here are some of the things you should try on:

1. Reaffirm your own values

Make a list of the top 5 things that you value most. For examples are security, freedom, family, spiritual development, learning. Now review your goals and check them against your values. If your goals don’t align with any of your top values, it’s time to reconsider your goals, revise your values or both.

2. Leverage on your passions

What you truly enjoy in life? What are the things that will energize you? By using your passions as a source of energy you will discover that obstacles like doubt and lack of enthusiasm will only slower your progression, but will not derail your chance to become the person you ought to be. Express yourself and honour the people who have inspired you to become the very person you wanted to be.

3. Know your purpose

Are you wandering through life with little direction, hoping that you’ll find happiness, health and prosperity? Identifying your life purpose will give you a unique compass that will guide you to your truth north in times of need. But don’t stress if you don’t see a clear purpose for your life right know. Start talking the responsibility for creating the conditions for your own happiness, and the rest will follow.

4. Know your needs

Do you have unsatisfied needs to be acknowledged?, like to be right, to be in control, to be loved? Unmet needs can keep you from living authentically. List your top four needs and create a plan to get them met before it’s too late!

5. Honour your strengths

What talents do you have? What are your positive traits? List them – You can ask those closest to you to help identify your strengths. Are you imaginative, witty, good with your hands? Find ways to express your authentic self through your strengths. You will increase your self-confidence when you share what you know to others.

6. Live from the inside out

Increase your awareness of your inner self by regularly reflecting in silence. Breathe deeply to quiet your distracted mind. For most of us city slickers it’s hard to even find the peace and quiet we want even in our own home. Often just sit in a dimly lit room and play some classical music will help your mind reach the proper state.

7. Serve others

When you live authentically, you may find that you develop an interconnected sense of being. By being true to who you are, living your purpose and giving of your talents to the world around you, you give back in service what you came to share with others -your spirit – your essence. The rewards for sharing your gift with those close to you are many, much more in the eyes of a stranger who can appreciate what you have done to them.

Technorati Tags: Self Esteem

Some people are not even aware that they are being intimidated, because they are used to an asymmetrical relationship, while for others suffering intimidation on a regular basis can make their life a constant misery. You might even be the one who is intimidating others, without realizing it!

People who are constantly intimidated go through many negative feelings. In order to be able to deal successfully with intimidation you first have to understand what intimidation really is, because it can come in many disguises.

• Using force to get what you want from others
• Threatening to or using power and control to get others to do what you want
• Getting others to believe they are less powerful than you
• Threatening others with your size or strength to get others to do what you want
• Holding punishments over their head, such as being fired, spanking or divorce
• Being quick tempered, angry or getting into a rage with someone to get them to do what you want
• Behaving in a manner that has others frightened to step up to you
• Using your wealth to get others to do what you want
• Using racial or sexual slurs to diminish others

You soon realize that managing your relationships by intimidation is a kind of emotional abuse of others that leaves your inner circle attached to you by fear, not by love….Is this what you want?

Probably this is the way you learned when growing up, but now it is not the best way to relate…at least you now know that it has a heavy price to pay. Your loved ones will complain that you emotionally abused them, and will be unable to see your good intentions, too much covered by the perceived abusive control.

What if you find yourself being the one who is being intimidated by others? This is also a learned behaviour that you need to challenge in yourself. Why would you want to live your life being intimidated by others? Because your self-esteem is very low, and you have been trained to be acquiesce to others with more power, control or dominance.

There are many steps you can take to stop allowing others to intimidate you. The first step you should take is to get a good look at yourself and determine what is there in your irrational, unhealthy way of thinking has allowed yourself to become intimidated by others. Did your parents tell you that authorities were always right and needed to be respected? Was it your inner fear of confrontation? Or fear of starting a conflict if that was needed to defend your rights?

If you think this might have been the case then you should take steps towards:

• Identify new healthier ways of thinking to help you overcome and respond to the intimidating factors
• Display your new ways of thinking and acting to those who are intimidating you, this will show them that you are no longer willing to be intimidated by them
• Develop ways of dealing with people in case they respond negatively to the new you
• See the consequences of your new assertive behavior
• Stick to your guns and accept whatever the consequences are of your new behavior

The next step to take once you have developed a strategy for dealing with those who intimidate you is to develop ways to reinforce your beliefs in the new, more positive and strong self-image. The easiest way is to use daily affirmations or positive self-talk.

Examples of positive self-talk include:

I am a good person, who is worthy and deserves to be treat with respect.
I will not put anyone in a superhuman position over me.
I will take my life back under my control from any who tries to intimidate me in the future.
I will not allow others to intimidate me.
There is no one out there who can intimidate me.

It pays to put some effort in building up your resistance to intimidation, because it will make your life easier and conflict-free.

Technorati Tags: emotional abuse, relationsiphs, Self Esteem